Characters
A cast list of the characters both primary and secondary. Hazel Tellington Hazel Tellington “The Lush” Secret skill: English degree, hahaha. Secret weapon: Disdain. Her secret: She actually likes you. First appearance: Strip 1 Last appearance: Strip 1994 Jameson Jameson The Hot Barista Secret skill: Can and will guess your favorite drink. Secret weapon: French press + thermometer + timer = perfect. His secret: He’s sensitive. First appearance: Strip 1 Last appearance: Strip 1985 Jamie McJack Jamie McJack “The Rack” Secret skill: It’s no secret. Secret weapon: Tank tops. Her secret: Mystery romance novels. First appearance: Strip 2 Last appearance: Strip 1986 Clarice Fitzpatrick Clarice The Domme Librarian Secret skill: Can guess condom size correctly 90% of the time. Secret weapon: Scowl Of Doom. Her secret: Saturday evening domination. First appearance: Strip 3 Last appearance: Strip 1950 Darren Darren The Lady in Disguise Secret skill: Six-inch heels. Secret weapon: Barbasol, lots of it. His secret: He’s doing Kegels right now. First appearance: Strip 5 Last appearance: Strip 1879 Thea Thea The Lonely Lesbian Secret skill: Memorizes the new AP style every year. Secret weapon: Red pen, bookish charm. Her secret: She would really like a goddamn girlfriend. First appearance: Strip 19 Last appearance: Strip 1937 McPedro McPedro The Talking IrishSCIRISH Cactus Secret skill: Can drink heavily, despite being a cactus. Secret weapon: His charming accent. His secret: Gay French mustache. First appearance: Strip 28 Last appearance: Strip 1969 Maureen Maureen The Blog Girl (Married to Jameson) Secret skill: She types faster than you. Secret weapon: Wrist brace. Her secret: She kind of enjoys forum drama. First appearance: Strip 30 Last appearance: Strip 1985 Chris Chris “The Pirate” Secret skill: Falling in love with everyone. Secret weapon: Eye patch. His secret: He likes this girl, see… First appearance: Strip 121 Last appearance: Strip 1720 Carol Carol (Hazel’s mama) Secret skill: World’s best mac & cheese. Secret weapon: Casserole dishes. Her secret: Reading the new library releases before shelving them. First appearance: Strip 135 Last appearance: Strip 1969 Candy Candy “The Carnivore” Secret skill: Ruining everything. Secret weapon: Meat. Her secret: She’s just lonely. First appearance: Strip 144 Last appearance: Strip 1156 Jim Jim “That Guy” Secret skill: Driving off women. Secret weapon: Height. He can see you from a mile away. His secret: He’s even less experienced than you think. First appearance: Strip 229 Last appearance: Strip 1285 Zach Zach The Studly Cabbie (attached to Hazel) Secret skill: He’s everybody’s DD. Secret weapon: A ratchet set and his car manual. His secret: He’s even nicer than you think. First appearance: Strip 233 Last appearance: Strip 1729 Angel Angel The Magical Bartender Secret skill: A drink for every occasion! Secret weapon: Top-shelf vodka and limes. Her secret: Monogamous relationships bore her. First appearance: Strip 497 Last appearance: Strip 1960 Maya Maya (Thea’s sis) Secret skill: Shrugging off cancer. Secret weapon: Costume jewelry. Her secret: Having an adorable daughter gets you lots of free stuff. First appearance: Strip 596 Last appearance: Strip 1836 Erin Erin …not “Aaron.” (Jamie’s girlfriend) Secret skill: Turning frowns upside-down! Secret weapon: Adorable freckled blush. Her secret: She’s not so sure about sex. First appearance: Strip 654 Last appearance: Strip 1985 Melody Melody The Quiet Genius (Chris’s girlfriend) Secret skill: Lip-reading. Secret weapon: Limitless texting plan. Her secret: She’s too smart for you. First appearance: Strip 765 Last appearance: Strip 1642 Mimi Mimi The Lesbian on wheels (Thea’s girlfriend) Secret skill: A mean step-check. Secret weapon: Iron bones. Her secret: Her job involves a lot of dick. First appearance: Strip 1082 Last appearance: Strip 1937 Tucker Tucker (Dating Fiona) First appearance: Strip 1181 Last appearance: Strip 1750 Beatrice Beatrice "The Awful Moth" First appearance: Strip 1193 Last appearance: Strip 1924 Joshua Joshua "The Reader" Secret skill: Persistence, podcasts, (not)peppermint tea? Secret weapon: Mad inheritance! His secret: He's not quiet, just selectively verbose. First appearance: Strip 1194 Last appearance: Strip 1950 Fiona Fiona (Jamie's sis) First appearance: Strip 1288 Last appearance: Strip 1527